3 Things Acting Taught Me

I spent years playing pretend. Turns out, the whole time, I was learning how to be myself. Go figure.

At its core, acting isn’t about pretending. It’s about paying attention to people, to the moment, to what’s really happening underneath the surface. It has everything to do with how we live.

Here are 3 lessons from acting that I try to bring to life… when I remember. 

  1. Be Generous

In the acting world, there's a way we talk about certain actors. We call them generous. What that means is when the camera is NOT on them, they are still giving you a full performance. They are present, alive, surprising…so that when the camera is on you, you have something real to react to, and your own performance is alive. They bring the best out of you.

The opposite exists too. An actor who brings their A-game only when it's their close-up, and the moment the camera swings to your coverage, they check out. Maybe you're supposed to be devastated, and they're giving you their lines as if they’re reading from a grocery list. I’ve actually had an actor once not even show up for my closeup. I was left doing the scene with their stand-in. 

But let’s talk about the generous actors.

Steve Carell was my first experience of a very generous actor. It was my first big part in a big studio film, Dinner for Schmucks, and to say I was nervous is an understatement. In our scene together, his character has me confused for another woman, and it slowly dawns on my character that this other woman knows my fiancé (played by Paul Rudd). And then Steve's character leans in and says: "I know about the sex.” That one line sends my character into a tailspin of confusion and panic. 

On a movie set, you do the scene from multiple angles, multiple times so the impact of that one line can die off. But instead of repeating that line over and over through the many takes, Steve came up with something different every time. Every time more outrageous than the last. "I know about the…” fill in the blank with the most unexpected, ridiculous thing you can imagine. I never knew what was coming. I couldn't anticipate. I could only react. He gave me a gift. He LIFTED UP my performance.

The same principle exists in improv. Instead of making up situations about your own character to lift yourself up, you come up with a “gift” to your scene partner by giving them an extraordinary circumstance that feeds their story. “Oh my god, I didn’t know you were pregnant! And you’re still running the marathon!” Now they have somewhere fun to go.

In life, what if we tried to be a little more like Steve? Instead of running on autopilot, the same greeting, the same small talk, the same thank-yous, the same conversations. 

What if we thought about “giving” to the people we encounter. A kind word. A playful comment. A genuine acknowledgement. A smile. Something they can react to. Something that lifts their game. 

  1. Listen

There's a saying in acting: "Acting is reacting." And you can't react if you're not listening.

Every morning before I get on set, I remind myself: I do not know what the other actor is going to say. And yes, of course I know. I have the lines. I've read the script. But I don't know how they’re going to say those lines, their tone, the expression on their face. They might surprise me (Steve Carell). Improvise. What they do changes everything. What I do depends entirely on what they do. And that's not a weakness. That's the whole job.

The best moments on set happen when what you thought was going to happen, completely changes…everyone is listening and reacting off of each other. The script disappears and the scene takes a life of its own. It’s magic. 

In life, we are so wired to do, to chase, to solve, to react to what's already happening that sometimes we forget to listen. To receive what's right in front of us. We miss the thing that would change everything.

Before you go into your next meeting, your next difficult conversation, your next dinner party, could you stop and remind yourself to actually listen? Not to run through your checklist. Not to anticipate what the other person is going to say so you can have your answer ready. Not to half-listen while mentally composing your response.

Just…listening. 

Pretty simple. Pretty powerful. Pretty generous.

  1. No Judgement

When actors prepare for a role, we begin with questions.

Who am I? What do I want? Why do I want it? What’s in my way? How will I get it? What must I overcome to get it?

We look at their past, their relationships, what people say about them. Their hopes and dreams. Their fears. Their weaknesses and strengths. We try to understand the soul of who they are. Without judgment. Because if we judge our character, we create distance, making it impossible to truly inhabit them. 

In life, how often do we judge ourselves? “Should” ourselves?

I should wake up earlier. I should be more productive. I should cook more. I should lose weight. I should be a better parent.

As actors, our job is the opposite. We look for empathy. We have to understand the characters in all their complexities and accept who they are. 

What if we approached ourselves the same way?

Harrison Ford recently received the Screen Actors Guild Life Achievement Award. In his acceptance speech, he said that because of the privilege of storytelling, he’s come to know himself.

That’s the real work, in acting and in life. 

Asking questions to get to know ourselves in all of our complexities. When we do, we can start taking responsibility for who we are, what we want, and how we want to show up in life. We stop living on autopilot. We get closer to the truth of who we are.

And why should we care?

Because when we start living with authenticity, a few powerful things start happening. We make decisions that align with what actually matters to us. We trust ourselves more. We take greater responsibility for our choices. We show up as stronger leaders. Our relationships become more meaningful. And we bring more passion and dedication to the lives we’re building.

Below are three questions you might begin with… As you dig, you might learn a thing or two about yourself and maybe even surprise yourself.

  •  What do I really want? 
  •  How would it make me feel? 
  •  Why does it matter to me? 

Or… you could pick up my book SELF!SH. It includes eight of some of the most powerful questions (with simple prompts), that guided me through my own journey of self-discovery.